actually, I'm a sock model
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
