Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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