that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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