I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
