I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
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