Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
