porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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