Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Randomize
