well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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