Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
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