I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
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