True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
