i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
