If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
