it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
