She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
