onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
