Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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