and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Randomize
