The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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