I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
