Welp...herpes.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Randomize
