when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
