So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
