she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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