when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
