Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize