just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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