i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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