evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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