Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Randomize
