I should be sponsored by Trojan
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
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