Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
