her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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