Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
