there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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