I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
