so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
