When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
