i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I need to align my fucking chakras
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
