Apparently you make a good broom.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Randomize
