i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
