textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Randomize
