I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
