I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Randomize
