you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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