Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
