I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
