I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
