I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Randomize
