It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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