Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
