i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
