the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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