dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
We have started to decorate penises.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
