The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
