I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Randomize
