Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize