My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
