if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Randomize
