Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
