my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
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