How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
