I will die if light touches me.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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