I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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