Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
