Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
